Like counseling without actually being a counselor?

Marriage is management. The lady who is able to manage her roles of a wife, mother, and daughter in law well, will be called successful. You should try and manage everyone at home and that is the long and short of it.

These were the words of a doctor I met this weekend. He is a septuagenarian who is actually a homeopathic doctor (second being the reason, why I went to him). After having heard him patiently for 15 minutes, giving his counselling to a lady patient of his, I realized this man is a man of wisdom. My belief was strengthened when on my way out of his home cum clinic, I read his board. Amongst the many qualifications listed against his name, was in the end mentioned “marriage counselor”.

My thoughts led me to think of all such wonderful counselor we have had in our life. A neighbor, a distant relative, a not so liked friend, a teacher, parents, best friends- the list is endless. We have been counselled so many times by so many people for so many relevant and irrelevant things in our life that we now have specialists for things. For career related worries, I will speak to her; for personal matters, it’s the other her. He is good with advice on financial matters, so let’s call him. And even we would have been “categorized” as some expert by someone who trusts our gifts and knowledge on the subject.

But even then there are some of us, who feel the need to visit a person with a name plate. The need to speak to someone who doesn’t know anything about us, doesn’t judge us in any way, doesn’t hold any preconceived notions about us, who makes notes and basis those notes, directs us in a non-biased way.

I recently went through a coach certification program. This is basically a module which would help me become a successful Life Coach. A life coach is one who can help a person explore his innate strengths and desires and in the process help him/her to achieve his/her life’s goals.

There were 2 basic and most important thing I learnt in that session:

1. A coach/counselor doesn’t know what’s good for the other person
2. It is person’s choice to get coached/counselled and hence the participation in these discussions are from the person’s side and not the coach’s side

Both simple, easy to read statements but extremely difficult to follow.

Just pause for a second and recall all those times when you gave an advice (solicited or unsolicited) to someone. Were you telling that person what should be done; as per me, this is the best thing for you or were you helping him discover answers on his own? How many times, out of curiosity, out of good will, out of concern, would you have called the person again to ask if he is following your advice or not?

Counselling/Coaching somebody is a very difficult thing to do. It is a science, which should be learnt.

Depending on what exactly you wish to achieve, you may need either a counselor or a coach. And again, depending on what the other person wants, you may have to direct him to a professional coach/counselor and just be a friend/spouse/parent/relative/neighbor. You may be doing more harm to him by being a counselor/coach to him without knowing how to do it.

Hence, dear friend, let’s just remain friends and leave the difficult task to professionals.