What is the Feeling Called Fear?

How do emotions work inside us? How do we decide whether we should be happy, sad or fearful in a particular situation? What is the feeling called fear? I have a story to tell on how I chose to have the feeling called Fear in me, when I shouldn’t have.

My 4 year old girl and I went playing to a neighborhood mini-amusement park the other day. It’s full of rides and balloons and balls for the kids. My daughter couldn’t even close her mouth for a second- that’s how excited she was. From one ride to the other- she was jumping everywhere- leaving rides mid-way because the other one attracted her more; laughing with joy on the fast pace of the train; guiding the ones younger to her to safe seats- she was having one of the best days of her life!

Just towards the end of the park, was the mini Columbus ride. Columbus is that ship shaped ride which swings from one way to the other. I have always been scared of this ride. I guess I just sat on it once in my entire life and had decided never to do it again.

But today was a different day. My young one wanted to get on that ride. In that happy mood, we tried convincing her that this is not meant for kids her age and this is not a good one- see the colour of the ride is not nice, see nobody is sitting on it. But nothing doing, she is like me when it comes to getting what she wants. My convincing stopped and she started again when the ride manager said that the kid can sit in it provided either of the parents sits with her. And there she was, with her pleading eyes and over the top shouts- mumma please I want to do this.

Within those split seconds I told myself, come on, it’s not going to be that bad- this is just meant for kids, the one I did was a bigger one and I am a mommy now- surely my fears would have gone by now. She is in such happy mood; I shouldn’t spoil it for you because of my fears. And so I said yes.

She hurried me to the only available seats and was ecstatically guiding the ride manager to start the rides and telling him to take her high up in the sky. I held her with one hand and with the other hand tightly grasped the side panel. And it started. Her laughs kept increasing with the increasing speed, and my heart kept sinking. I was sure she was safe, because I was holding her. But me? I would fall down, off the ride and would be in blood. I kept shouting, and my girl thought I am also enjoying because she couldn’t really see me. I was telling the ride manager to be slower and my girl wanted it faster. He couldn’t understand what we wanted and hence continued with the full 3 minute torture.
We came down the ride, and I wanted time to just sink in what had happened. To be able to appreciate that I am still alive, that I am safe. But I couldn’t, because I was rushed to another ride!

I sit back now and think of it. How come I developed such a fear for this ride, whereas my girl loved it? Is it an adult vs kid phenomena- as kids you really don’t understand the possible dangers of rides and as adults you are pretty aware of how old that machine could be, of how unskilled the ride manager could be? Or is it just a mommy thing- As parents, we are extra careful for our child and hence we try to avoid the larger risks for them. But in this case, it wasn’t too much about her- I was okay with her going alone on the ride- it was for ME, about Me. The fear was MINE, and not her’s. I thought of that moment when I first did that ride- on a school trip with my classmates. I was as excited as she was when I sat on it. I didn’t know what happened in it and was waiting for it to start. And that’s when, one of my classmates shared a story of how her cousin was so scared of this ride. I didn’t know what being scared or being fearful meant until then. And when the ride started and I wanted to laugh but I wanted to be scared, because that’s also a feeling people have. And hence I got scared. I finished the ride and proudly told my friends, I was so scared of the ride, and we all giggled on how fun being scared is.

That’s what has left in my heart- that feeling of being scared when being on rides- that’s a natural reaction to show. It’s not cool to enjoy the rides, it’s better to be scared of the rides. And hence rather than being in the moment and laughing it off, I am always tensed and fearful on rides. I have tried on multiple occasions to push the limits, to take off the fear, but it’s so in-built now- I only see the danger of rides and that feeling just doesn’t go off.

I am glad my girl didn’t see the horror in my eyes that day; else she may have also developed that fear- and not the enjoyment of the ride. And hence I wonder, why instead of being natural with our emotions, we behave or demonstrate emotions/feelings, which we are supposed to show. Which probably is the “suggested way” of reacting to things. Our childhood has a big part in shaping up our behaviors of today. I can’t change mine, but I can surely be careful of how my little girl takes up to these feelings and emotions. I would teach her to react the way she wants to and not how she is supposed to.