Five Tips for Having a Successful Marriage

As a new bride-to-be, you are full with excitement of your looks, your trousseau, your guest list etc. However, when the buzz of the festivities and preparations of the wedding end, the reality hits you and hits you hard. Marriages are not easy, and it really takes some efforts to make your wedding a successful one. I have grown up reading Mills & Boon and watching all possible good romantic movies Hollywood and Bollywood had to offer. Hence, I am like an Alice in Wonderland when it comes to the idea of marriages-I know there’s a perfect land somewhere, it just needs to be discovered!

You both like sleeping on the left side of the bed, who gets it now? You need a larger almirah, and his room, I mean your new room doesn’t have the space what would you do now? You don’t like getting up early in morning, but if you won’t, then who would do the cooking? You like less oily food, and the food in their house is full of fat- what to do? You would like to have a pet, they hate having animals in-house!

This, in no way, is an easy transition-specially for the girl, because as per our Indian tradition, it is the girl who is moving to HIS house. It requires a lot of patience, a lot of adjustment and a lot of commitment.

Happy Marriage is not an oxymoron, but a reality. Internet is full of articles on how to make your marriage work, how to bring back the X-factor in your love life on how to stay a happy couple. I have seen both happy and sad marriages and basis a lot of reading and talking on this subject, I know nobody has an answer to what makes a marriage work. I am deeply interested in reading and knowing about this area because as I told you, I am Alice, and there has to be an answer to making things beautiful a formula that works for all, something that can be passed on to generations as a mantra-something which is very easy to follow. Hence, basis my research on this topic, I present to you my mantra of a happy marriage. It’s not stamped by empirical evidence but I would want to surely pass to all the lovely girls who are about to enter this lovely phase and wish to have a successful marriage. So here are my tips on having a successful marriage!

1. Don’t Assume:My brother had shared these golden words with me when we were in school “Never Assume” and I have carried this with me ever since. In life, be direct and ask for clarity. As a nervous bride-to-be, we latch on to our friends, sister, colleagues who have recently got married, asking them for some tips. And sadly, mostly, they have only one advice to give you: Mother-in-law is a devil- stay away from her. Even without knowing your own mother-in-law, you assume her to be your worst enemy- who would throw you in fire; who would compete with you for your husband’s love or attention, who will treat you like a piece of furniture. Trust me; this can ruin things for you, much before you have started. Take time, to know her, understand her- don’t look at everything she does with a microscope: “she has put more salt in the vegetable deliberately-just because she knows I like it”, “she wore a better sari, just to belittle me”- all these thoughts come to your mind only because of the cloud of negativity that was formed by your so-called well- wishers. Start with a positive approach because this can be one of the most beautiful relationships you develop. Don’t compare her with you mother, don’t compare with your friend’s mother-in law: take her as she is. And like the things she has, instead of hating the things she doesn’t. Build your feelings towards her based on pure facts, not assumptions; and then only reach the decision of whether you want to like her or hate her.
2. Kill the hype: Mills & Boon give us a very beautiful picture of romance; our movie spoil us more and then comes our chemical composition of being a woman. Accept the fact- and accept it well in time that it’s not a fairy land- life is not as beautiful as it’s made out to be; however it’s completely dependent on you if you want to make one. Don’t wait for your husband to do good things for you, but do some yourself- plan things together- it’s not only his responsibility to keep the zing alive- you are an equal partner in it. Yes, it is difficult for men to cope up with our varying mood swings and they don’t know how to react and what to say most of the times. Don’t keep sulking for that- get up and change things! As one of my best friend, who has a picture perfect marriage running, says-“the remote control is in your hands girl- you decide whether you want to live with negativity around you or create a mini magic world of your own.”
3. Be a home-maker: By this I don’t mean be a house-wife and leave your job. What I mean is ensure your house is well-managed- even in your absence. Even if your own organizing or managing skills are poor, ensure there is someone else who can do that for you. Your life would be much better if both of you know where your clothes are, where your important papers are, where the matching socks are and food is ready on time. Division of work was one important management rule we learnt in our business studies class. It works beautifully in your house as well. You can’t do everything when it comes to house management- divide the work between your spouse or you or maybe even your mother-in-law and you or your maid and you. The point is plan out things in a way that your basic needs are well-managed and outsource when it’s not your core strength.
4. Plan your baby together: the decision to have a baby should be a joint one, because a baby changes your couple life completely. You won’t get time for each other; the limited time you spend at home would be completely devoted with your child. The months after a baby can be real bad for both of you- to manage the emotional and physical changes of a body. If it’s not a combined decision, then the negative energy would flow much more than positive ones and a lot of blame game can happen. And again, even in this rule, go back to rule no. 2 of killing the hype. Raising babies is a beautiful experience, but it’s not ONLY that- it will bring with it a lot of stress, a lot of break-downs and a lot of anxiety- and that will happen- no matter how much you avoid it. Just be in it together- do everything together- doctor visits, school visits, picnics, shopping- both you and your spouse should do it together.
5. Communicate and communicate and communicate: As I said earlier, it’s difficult, nearly impossible for a man to understand what’s going on in our minds. More often than not, we spoil it when we just want them to understand us on their own- “You should be able to know how I am feeling right now”, “you should have done this to cheer me up”, “and you could have done this better”. I guess it will save a lot of energy for both of you if you are just vocal about what you want and what you feel, instead of leaving it for your partner to guess. But there is a sensitive line there- you should also know the difference between communicating and blabbering.

I am not a marriage expert-But my happy dreamland believes in the goodness of this institution and I just hope and pray that we all know what we are getting into.

If you liked reading this, do share this and spread the goodness of this world to your friends. I would be happy to read your own success mantras on this topic!