She seemed a little off beat today. My weekly meetings with my otherwise chattery Punjabi aunt, is a relaxed high laughter phenomena. It took only two sips of her favorite cappuccino to come out with what was bothering her. My children don’t respect me, I gave them all my love, sacrificed so many things in my life just to make sure they’re happy and well settled. Now all grown up, they think I’m stupid who doesn’t know anything.
Her need to be always in control, to be respected and revered was not something unique. Time and again we come across women getting into depression when they feel they are not getting what they deserve. I guess every woman on this planet goes through this once in her lifetime, if not every year.
She dismissed this argument saying reel life depicts what happens in real life. Look at all amazing mothers in Bollywood movies, their children treat them as God! Oh come on aunt, which movies are you referring to? The same movies that made you buy a duplex house just so to enjoy the amazing staircase? Every day when you must do up and down the floors at least ten times, then you curse the same movie maker!!
Did you know aunt, the first lady of the most powerful country in the world (at least for the next few months too) was referred to as the Black Ape! Imagine if someone called you a monkey! You remember how upset Andrew Symonds had got when Bhajji had called him a monkey? The monkeygate was still fresh in her memory, her favorite cricketer, from her hometown must have said it, she had then chuckled but was also praying for him to walk scot-free in the case.
The point is no one can demand respect. Even someone with authority & position cannot have the assurance of being respected.
Why are you even comparing me with that wonderful lady or with Symonds for that matter? I am a housewife, in a small family (every Punjabi mother feels her family is small, even with 20+ members) who just wants her children to love and respect her.
Aunt, imagine being in a state of mind when you don’t demand anything, where you don’t want anything, where nothing bothers you.
I am not Mother Teresa, she retorted. Saint Teresa, I smiled back.
Ok, I get it, you have the need to be loved but it’s not getting fulfilled. How do you wish to live now? Will you keep cribbing about things you don’t have or acknowledge the enormous blessings God has given you? Why don’t you try and take every minute as it comes and just say to yourself that whatever you do in this minute would be something that makes you happy. Seeing you happy and positive all the time, your kids would like to talk to you more, take your advice and involve you more in their lives.
She made a face, looked at her phone and said it’s time for us to leave now. You should use this coaching lingo in your work, I don’t need all this. It’s not that I am not happy or depressed, just one of those days when I felt like being sad. Maybe the side effects of menopause, I should visit the doctor soon and start some medicines. Puttar ji, these things can’t bother me for long. I am fit and fine; she laughed as she held my shoulders and directed me out of the cafe.
I recalled my first few hours of learning the art of coaching. A coach will fail if the client doesn’t see any value in the process. Hence the first step in any coaching assignment is to get the coach and client to sign an agreement of understanding and working together. Same is the case with any HR intervention you do in your organization. If the other person doesn’t need it, don’t do it. Or better still, wait for more visible data points for you to know if an action is required in this case. Don’t think of every incident as an opportunity to be a superhero and devise strategies and frameworks that would change the course of your organization.
I learnt this lesson yet again, this time while sipping a cappuccino!
By the way, this wasn’t coaching what I was doing with my aunt, hence it’s also important for you to know the difference between coaching, counselling and a friendly chat. Read this.
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