China, where this all began is telling us one more story. In a study released last month by BBC, China is seeing a rise in divorce rates. Even in India, domestic violence cases are on the rise. The story is similar across the world.
The pandemic has made us live closely with our family units. We have never lived together for so long. 24 by 7, it really is too much. Being confined together as a family has its advantages but also as the above data points show, it has a big downside too.
Add to it the growing number of lay-offs, the reduced income in families, no support for cleaning and washing, home-schooling for kids, increased work-load on both professional and personal fronts. With no social breaks available in terms of friends, parties, vacations etc., the fatigue is real and one that none of us have ever experienced.
This pandemic is teaching us new things. New ways of living, social distancing, new sides to the people we live with. And thats why it is very important to know how to keep relationships healthy in this pandemic.
I am going to take the liberty of the techniques of storytelling to explain this.
Every story that you read in a book, every story that you see in a movie has a Point of View (POV). It is told from a specific person’s viewpoint.
It could be a first person account: I was going to the market and it started raining
Or it could be second person account: She was going to the market and it started raining
Or it could be from the know- it- all- narrator’s point of view (a third person): She was going to the market but little did she know that she was about to witness the heaviest rainfall of her life.
This Point of View can change the entire narration or the construct of the story.
If you hear a story from the boss’s POV, it would be something like this:
Despite all my efforts of coaching and giving feedback to him, he just couldn’t perform the given tasks.
The same situation, if told from the employee’s POV could read something like this:
My boss added so much of mental pressure on me by constant feedbacks that I just couldn’t concentrate on my work.
It’s a very tricky thing for any author or story writer- whose POV to be used to tell the story. What would tell the story from all its possible angles? What would capture the essence of the story the best? What would hold the reader/viewer’s attention the best?
When you bring this thing closer home, you realise all your situations on a daily basis is a constant struggle of being united in these varying POVs. Wife and husband have different ways of looking at the same situation, siblings fight over the same thing, a mother and child constantly work towards sharing their POVs.
Depending on who is telling the story, you would consider the main lead as the right person. The person who is facing all the problems, who needs solutions. But that holds true for all the characters in the story. Every person’s thoughts, views, actions could be considered as right depending on how it is being told.
But the characters who are in the story, battling the conflicting POVs on a daily basis are on a constant emotional and sometimes physical mess. What usually goes wrong in most relationships is that one person tries to force his/her POV on the other, with logic, with emotions, with love, and sometimes with threat, hatred and slaps. A good relationship works with the balance of these POVs. It shouldn’t be enforced because you think it is the right thing to do. It needs to be agreed mutually as the right thing to do.
If one person constantly feels that his/her POV is never considered, is always quashed, the person would constantly keep going inside his/her own self creating anxiety, self-doubt, anger and everything negative that would ultimately, one day just end the relationship.
All of us struggle with these POVs almost daily. We know that the other person has his/her own POV which has gotten established by way of the experience, exposure that person got in his/her life. We talk it out, we find solutions, we move on. And then it comes again. It is a cycle. And that’s when you realise as a person that the story which you thought was yours is actually not yours. You are just a supporting character because that person is living his story, where he is the main lead. It’s not YOUR story. And that’s when people decide to take charge. Make changes. Because they need their own story too. They need to feel the high of being the protagonist, of going to the fields and flying in gushing winds, of fighting the war and emerging the ruler. And then, if you truly love that person, you would allow him/her to build their story, because for them that’s important. Because that would bring them and in turn you, a lot of happiness and joy. You agree to become the side character for some time, while building your own little story as well.
That is how good partnerships work. That is how relationships thrive. That is how families grow. That is how love is restored.
It is important and in fact quite easy to look at possible scenarios to a situation. Why is my brother doing what he is doing? What does the husband mean when he says this? Where would this decision take us as a family? Answer these questions from the POVs of all the people involved in that story. And then come to a collective decision which considers all these POVs and works out the best possible solution.
This, my friend, is tried and tested. But this would only work, when everyone is willing to listen to everyone’s POV. It cannot be just one person making the efforts all the time. So, share this thought with your family members and collectively agree to be more acceptable to the various POVs!
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