On the verge of a shift

It was all sorted, I was to be this writer, this blogger on everything HR and things working-moms do and not do, but should do and a speaker of socio-political-cultural-sports-Bollywood news- I was writing on all of that and was enjoying the fact that my creative juices were being well-read and appreciated. It was all wonderful, in my newly done up study, with my favorite coffee in hand. And then life took a U-turn.

I had to go back to sleepless nights, diaper changing routine, non-desired late-night walks around the house, swaddling and lullaby singing. Doing all this as a first-time mommy, in my 20s, was fun and adventurous, everything seemed new and challenging and the enterprising side of my personality enjoyed taking up new mommy challenges. But having to do all that now, after having established a set routine with the elder one, with career, a social life and defined set of variables in life, was turning out to be a whole new story.

This is how it was planned, all preparations around career and routines were started a year in advance, but when it came, it brought with it changes that were throwing the script away. And even my coffee. As if by magic (in this case post pregnancy changes), I started hating my most beloved coffee!

All those things that till now probably defined my existence, my competence and my core strengths, are no more sufficient to keep me excited. It’s becoming difficult for me to go back to my defined routine, the routine I enjoyed and loved doing before the birth of my second child. And it’s strange, because there’s just been an addition to the family, one teeny-weeny, cutie, apple of our eyes, member added, that’s it. How could that have this big a tectonic shift in things that interested me? I am forcing myself to like my old routine, and the more I do that, the more I wish to just sleep and not do anything.

These are what are called life defining/life changing moments. I was having a change of my life purpose and it wasn’t easy to accept, let alone do something about it.

How could I, a successful career woman, a practical and planned person, have a life changing experience without me wanting to bring about this change? These thoughts and feelings and changes weren’t part of the plan, then why were they entering my life, without my permission?

I am told this is probably not the right time to think too much, you know the postpartum period, where the hormones act weird, but I have already been a victim of postpartum depression last time, and so I know what that is, and this is not it. It is one of those transition phases of my life where I need to assess and reflect on what’s happening and how I want to make things happen. What is it that I now want to do which is different from what I wanted to do?

1. Was my earlier life purpose misplaced and I was chasing a wrong goal all this while?
2. What is it about my life that has changed in the last few months (other than the baby)?
3. What are my new-found interests that have probably taken over my old time favorites?

Moments like these shake you up, make you question everything around you, self-doubt, mood swings and lack of interest are common things one suffers during these transition phases.

Social Media celebrated World Suicide Prevention Day on 10^th September, and while reading the wonderful awareness posts on the topic, I wondered if people knew what it means. Now that I am a trained coach and hence probably better equipped to understand what’s happening inside me, I can differentiate between a depressing situation from a self-reflecting one. There really is a thin line between the two. At one stage while all the noise on anti-depression and anti-suicide is good and needed, not every case needs popping of anti-depressants.

As for me, I do hope to find my answers because life purpose can have alterations with changing variables of one’s life but one’s core values, the DNA as we call it, doesn’t change. I will go back to my core values and re-assess what’s that I want now. I’d like to come back and tell you about it, if you’d like to know, stay tuned!