I had time in hand, so I started penning down my thoughts on MS-word. It reminded me of my personal diary, those lock-and-key ones, where I would religiously enter how my day went, what I thought of what happened and what are my hopes from the next day. It was meant to be a secret diary, something which was only mine, to be read later by only me. However, the fear of being caught never made me completely honest with my pen. There would still remain feelings that wouldn’t be written about.
When MS-Word pages became a blog post, I wanted to share it with people, knowing very well that the first set of people would be my immediate family and friends. I would need to be balanced in what I say. I shouldn’t talk about objectionable or controversial topics. I started writing intelligently, hoping an intelligent reader would read between the lines and both my urge to being diplomatic and yet expressive would be met. Again, the real truth never came out.
When the readership increased to people from around the world, those who don’t even know me, I started thinking of the image that they would have of me, I should try and be that image and should write this and not that.
The choice of words, the choice of sentences, the examples, all were to be reviewed, by me, because the reader would be reviewing it too. The topic would always remain non-filtered though.
The fear of being labelled, being ridiculed, being joked about has been an innate one. I would get thoughts about creating an anonymous email id to write to the CEO about things not going well, because being public with MY views was not something I was comfortable with in the competitive corporate world. What if would be a constant worry.
I wonder if I have been completely honest with one person in my whole life. Like is there a single person on this planet with whom I have always, ALWAYS, shared what I am truly feeling? None.
Sometimes it would be because I am too lazy to say and would expect the person to understand what’s going on inside me. Sometimes, time is a factor, need to finish this discussion off as I have to pick the child from her dance class. Most of the times, it’s the way that person reacted when I had said this to him/her on a previous similar occasion. Which basically means, I know how a person would behave/react/think if I say this. Going with that assumption, this person would also know how would I react/think/behave if this is said. Isn’t that enough? Basis the multitude of our interactions, being expressive with each other in at least a few situations, we have a reference identity of the individual available with us. In a rare situation would a surprise pop up. Hence, what’s the point of spelling out everything to the last letter?
However, there have been situations, like an attack on my integrity, or a tense political blame-game corporate meeting, or during important family matters or while reflecting my life experiences; in all such situations, irrespective of who is on the other side, I have expressed what I felt.
I remember one of my corporate bosses telling me that I don’t take interest in lunch table conversations, and that I should since it is a great medium to come across as a learned or intelligent person. Back then, I had taken It as a feedback, as one of my developmental needs, and had started participating in conversations which ranged from general affairs to sports to weekend party schedules. Soon, as expected, I got bored by that put-on act of mine. It wasn’t me. I didn’t know back then that I was attempting to do something out of my core personality and hence was failing miserably. Because I was constantly being watched, I kept thinking I am failing to convert a weakness into a strength and why can’t I do just a simple thing. The more I talked, the more hollow I felt. The only time I felt nice in those lunch table conversations were when the topic was of my interest area, like cooking or parenting or some new HR research or even yoga and its visible impact.
For as long as I can remember, I have been more expressive to situations than individuals in my life.
There’s a difference between honesty and expressiveness. In fact, there’s a difference between honesty, communication, expressiveness, and integrity. Without getting into the English and the subtle differences in each of these words, let me assure you that I have been an honest person, a person of integrity and someone with good communication skills who doesn’t express herself in every situation or to every person she faces.
Why/How does that make a difference to my life?
Well, as I said, this is how I brought peace to my life!
Just the realisation that I don’t have to react to every situation, to every person, to the same person every time has given me so much peace of mind. I know the situations that disturb me, I know the situations that make me happy, I know the situations that make me tensed, I know the situations that don’t affect me. Well, not completely obviously, but yes there’s a broad categorization in my head now. And this has been one of the biggest revelations for me!
- Ever since I have been able to bring out this difference in my dealings with people/situation, I have felt liberated. It’s like a weight has gone off from my shoulders. It is perfectly alright if I don’t share my feelings or thoughts all the time with this person.
- Somebody’s bad mood doesn’t compel me to snap back, leading to an unnecessary argument. Because my reactions are not based on people but on what’s happening, my urges to speak are limited.
- Most importantly, I have been able to differentiate a person from the situation, thus leading to better responses. No more do I look at why did my mother behave like that, but more to the situation in which she behaved. Do I react to what she said or to the situation in which she said? Trust me, I have been a much more calmer and relaxed person!
Does all this make sense to you? Do you think you do the same? Would love to hear back from you, so do drop in your comments or email me at admin@storysideup.com.
A very balanced approach kudos .